Airplanes

I don’t often have time to sit and watch people. It is actually great fun to do when I do manage to forget everything else in the world and just sit, watch and observe other folks. Humans are random, very random, and if it is not something you do often, I would recommend trying it occasionally.

Today I am people watching. I am sat on a plane and watching people. Most folks don’t really realise I am watching them, but I am. Today, I am Big Brother. People act randomly all the time, but especially on aeroplanes and in airports and you can find all breeds. Today, I am watching the couple with four kids and how effortlessly they manage to deal with the kids and enjoy the journey. How many times have you been on a plane where there is just the one kid and parents and he is causing absolute havoc and upsetting everybody? I have seen plenty. These guys have four and they are all stars.

Airports and planes bring out a nervousness in people, and that is understandable I guess. We are thousands of feet in the air and as much as I learned about how aeroplanes fly and how boats float at school, I think I will always have a degree of awe about how they actually do what they do. You can scour the plane and look around and you will always find one or two people nervously watching out the window or clinging on to the arm rest or their partner when there is turbulence or when landing. I guess over a period of time it becomes normal. I have flown a ridiculous amount in the last four to five years and it is second nature to me now. If you fly once a year or less, it will surely be a bigger deal. I find take off incredibly relaxing and often drift off to sleep. Others are clinging on for dear life. I want to reassure them and tell them that I fly all the time, they have nothing to worry about, and the percentage of me one day meeting my end on a plane is far greater than theirs and I am not worried about it. I then hold myself back as I suspect they will wonder if today is the day.

Coming through security today, one chap realised he had left his passport at home. Quite how he got that far, I am not so sure, but he managed it as he had hand luggage only and went straight through. Luckily for him, he didn’t live far from the airport. The panic which ensued was spectacular. Rather than just bolting and getting it sorted, they preferred to hysterically scamper around and waste precious time. He is now sat next to me on the plane so it turned out well but only now after an hour have they visibly calmed down.

Some folks decide to get well and truly hammered to deal with their nerves or to have fun with their friends. I have been known to have a beer or two myself. In fact, every time I fly to Canada, it is my ritual to have a Molson Canadian on the way over without fail just to get in the mood. The worst situation I have encountered was on a flight with my parents to New York – the first trans-atlantic flight ever from Leeds & Bradford airport. One Canadian chap was with a few mates, and he was quite a big boy and quite a big drinker. The guy sat next to him was with the party but they obviously did not know each other that well. So, big boy ordered another wine to go with his food and he could not squeeze his table tray past his belly. The chap next time called him a name in jest, and the big boy responded by elbowing him in the face and getting him in a headlock and punching his head. Pretty horrific given this guy was some 25 stone, and was literally sat on the same row as me and my folks. To make it worse, he had a beast of a perm. The other issue was that we were about two hours from any land – if big boy went on the rampage, it would be tough to stop him. Thankfully the air hostess, who looked like she would bite, sorted him out swiftly and calmed things down. I would not like to have been him when I saw the armed police get on the plane in New York to escort him off. Brutal and it did not help any of the nervous folks on there.

Today we have no such shenanigans. Everybody is in pretty good spirits and everybody is looking forward to a great holiday. I’m going home, and I am just as excited to see my girl. I feel as if over the last five years I have had loads of places that I call home. I even called the hotel I used to stay in when I worked in London home. Mum didn’t like that. Those flights are always easier when you have something to look forward to at the other end and as long as there is no meathead causing troubling, they can be quite enjoyable. No need to stress over the kids, nor the lost passport, or the guy next to you cracking rude jokes, just sit back and enjoy the flight.